Forbidden - Chapter 2

                The house was quiet that evening when I reached home. I wondered where the children were. Judging from the stillness of the atmosphere, I knew they must have gone to their grandmother’s, who conveniently lived next door. My mom was the one who looked after my children when I was away. Being a working mom myself, I had to leave them all the time for what I did for a living required me to be away from home all the time. So the person that I trusted most was my mother, the ever so willing babysitter, to be with them. My children, they knew where to go if they didn’t see me when they woke up. We had this arrangement. I already informed mom that I would be away that day, before I went out.

For some, the idea of leaving the kids and going off gallivanting with a stranger was a total no no. but like I said, I deserved to be happy, and no amount of scrutiny would stop me from pursuing a sliver of personal bliss. I walked next door. From the front yard, I could see the evidence of my children being there the whole day. Toys of all sorts were scattered everywhere, the mess that only my mother would tolerate. I picked up the deformed, chewed up teddy bear, sitting pitifully under the swing, I looked at it, torn up feelings was gnawing its way to my heart, almost enough to cause tears to well up. I stopped, blinked a few times to stop it from shedding, I knew if I let even a drop to trickle down my cheek, I wouldn’t be able to stop. I would never show my weakness to my children. I blinked a few more times, plastered the sweetest smile on my face and stepped into the house.

The living room was not much different from the front yard. Everything was misplaced, more colourful toys were lying on the floor. I found Helena, my youngest, on the sofa, fast asleep. I knew I was in for a long, long evening when I saw her sleeping at this hour, she would be up till the wee hours. Her mouth was half open, revealing her straight, white teeth. She didn’t eat sweets like other children, I never let her or her sister to have a candy, not even occasionally for I knew what too much sugar would do to them. They were already hyperactive even without the sweet treats.  Instead I gave them chocolate, a better substitute. I saw tears stain on her chubby face. She had been crying herself to sleep, again. A common thing nowadays, she missed her father. This time I had to fight back my own tears with more vengeance.

Arif was never home now. Ever since the row we had over responsibility – the same issue we always had from when we were married 10 years ago until now that we had two beautiful girls. I always wondered why we were married at all. It was probably my fault for letting him off the hook. I couldn’t teach an old dog a new trick. I couldn’t force him to take responsibility for his own family.  He was long gone now, leaving me and the girls stranded, like unwanted rag dolls. Now I had to pick up all the broken pieces and put them back together. There were days when I didn’t feel like getting up from bed, I thought I would just bury myself in my sorrow, but then Helena and Hannah would be there, jumping up and down on the bed, willing me to get up. They were the reason for my existence now. I remembered the parting lines.

“I think it’s better for u and I to be separated for a while.” He spoke with such reverence that almost threw me off balance.

“Where did that come from?” I was mortified.

“I just don’t see how this could work anymore. I don’t feel the connection. “

“Are you leaving us?” I thought my knees were buckling under the stress.

“I’ll come by to pick up my stuff soon. Right now I have to go.” He dismissed me like I meant nothing. Like the girls meant nothing to him. I was horrified by the thought of facing the world on my own. I was strong, yes, but the society dictated that a woman was nothing without her husband, especially one who up and went off without thinking twice. I crumbled under the weight of it all. It was not long after that that I received news, he had a new family. So that was why he left us. My self esteem was deeply severed by this devastating information. Right now I thought the whole universe was against me. I spent days in bed, thinking that my life was over. Only when a tiny, trilling voice shook me deep at the core of my skull that I realized, life was NOT over. I still had my saviors, my girls. They needed me and I was more determined to be selfless and pour all my attention to them.

                Hannah’s voice brought me back to reality.

“Mommy, where have you been?” the small voice sounded irritated.

“I had some work to finish” I was ashamed that I felt the need to lie to her.

“You promised to take us to the bookstore today.” She whined.

“We’ll go tomorrow, okay?” It was so easy to console Hannah. She nodded. Hannah was the most agreeable child I had ever known, so unlike Helena. Helena would drive a steeper bargain, and I rarely won the fight with Helena. At eight, she already showed the quality of a tough negotiator.  I was glad that it was Hannah that I had to face that evening.

We padded to the kitchen where my mother was busy cooking dinner. A chat with mom was inevitable at this point. When she cooked elaborate dinner, that meant she wanted me to stay longer. Although we were practically neighbours, I seldom chatted with mom. I was either too busy with my job, or too busy avoiding her.

“Helena cried again?” I picked the most neutral subject to start the conversation.

“She had a disagreement with Hannah.”

“That’s new. Since when did Hannah get so volatile?” I looked at Hannah. She pretended to help mom with the dishes.

“She took my book. You promised that you would take us to the bookstore today. If you did, we wouldn’t be quarreling over it.” She looked very annoyed.

My mother didn’t say anything. This was what I loved about my mom. She wouldn’t say anything reprimanding or contradicting when I was around. She left it to me to set the problem straight.

“Okay. I promise that I will take you both to the bookstore tomorrow. I’m sorry that I had to leave without rescheduling our trip this morning.” I smiled and let Hannah sulk for a while. By dinner time, Helena was awake. And I had to start all over again. This time, to make amend, I had to buy two books each for my children. I sighed. That night we had the most interesting dinner ever. The children were busy discussing the books that they would ‘milk’ from me. Mom was exceptionally agreeable, smiling and nodding to everything the children said. I was preoccupied with the meeting today. I couldn’t help smiling, and at that exact moment, a text message came in. even while enjoying the meal, I somehow knew who it was from. I ignored it, plenty of time to reply the message. Right now it was family time.

                Back home, after getting the children ready for bed, I returned the text message. Even though my conscience was saying that this was wrong, that he already had a family, I couldn’t help myself. I felt alive again. I wondered how his wife would feel if she knew what her husband had been doing behind her back. Probably just the way I felt when I knew Arif had someone else in his life. Devastated, cheated, betrayed, helpless. Yet I couldn’t help craving the attention from him. I could picture his twitching ears. That brought another smile. My conscience was debating with my heart. My heart was telling me to go on, my conscience on the other hand was throwing every guilty card imaginable my way.

He called soon after I replied his text. His voice made my heart leap sky high. I missed him already. He was at home with his family. I couldn’t help feeling a pang of envy. Though I had never seen them – he said never to mix our relationship with his family, I could picture him, sitting around the dining table, having dinner together. I missed that a lot. I missed sitting for dinner as one family, whole. I prayed that my existence in his life wouldn’t meddle with his attention to his family that much. Guilt had started to creep in, I chased it away as soon as it managed to enter my mind. For the first time in months, I slept peacefully through the night.